The Meeting

I remember my first official job interview. I was a freshman at A&M and interested in working for an after school program. I was incredibly nervous going in to the interview. I remember the first time I had to defend a Systematic Theology paper in front of my peers and professors and the first time I preached in chapel at Princeton. I was a nervous wreck on the verge of a panic attack.

That's what today felt like before our meeting with the doctors. I was nervous. I couldn't sit down and couldn't focus on anything else. I finally asked Laura as she serenely sat nearby, "Are you nervous too?" She looked at me with understanding eyes and said, "yes." She wasn't. It's not in my wife's nature to be nervous like that. She's a cool customer but for my benefit she said, "yes." It felt good to know she was nervous too, even though she wasn't.

The meeting was to start at 11:30 but didn't get started until 11:50. The pulmonary hypertension doctor, neonatologist and his fellows and residents, feeding specialist, primary care nurse, and social worker were in attendance for the meeting. We had our questions typed out and ready to go. We began with specific questions like, "Why is Ira on both Viagra and Flolan?" and "What did the latest ECCO test show?" We moved on to more general questions concerning our goals like, "What's most important here?" and "What are the signs we are looking for to get him home or to the rehab?" We finished with questions that doctors hate like, "Where would you recommend Ira go after leaving the hospital? Home or Rehab?" and "What's your opinion about those two different situations?"

There were other questions we asked along those lines but that gives you the general sense of how things went down.

So here’s what I think you might be interested in hearing: We are going to stop the weaning from CPAP. In other words, Ira is going to stay on CPAP 24/7 for the next two weeks and we are going to attempt to reestablish his feedings from the bottle. We are going to put a hold on the Viagra over the next two days and then do an ECCO to see if Ira can make it on Flolan alone. The future is still in question. Our neonatologist doesn’t think Ira is progressing in respiratory matters. And so it’s going to be a while before he comes home or goes to a rehab.

Which brings me to this: Laura and I want Ira home. The rehabs are too far away. We can’t imagine not seeing Ira on some days. So over the last two days, we’ve made that shift mentally. One of our final questions for them was what it might look like for us to bring Ira home. We told them of our current lifestyle, that we have a two year old in daycare who is sure to get the round of colds that will pass from one to another once the fall and winter roll around. I told them of our ministerial work in Brooklyn and that it means that we have people in and out of our home quite often. We told them that our space is small. They were very clear about the ramifications of Ira getting a cold or any other respiratory infection: his lungs would fail and we would find ourselves back in the hospital.

To say the least, this has us second-guessing our decision. We’re thankful to have time to think this trough.

Overall, the meeting went well. They didn’t look down on us but talked to us like peers. It probably helped that we were prepared and had an agenda. But I’m sure they could tell that I was anxious as I twirled my #2 pencil nervously the entire time.