confessions
I feel the need to get some things off my chest. So do me a favor: pretend like we're in one of those confessional booths that one finds in Catholic churches. There is the appropriate amount of darkness so that I can't see you and you can't see me. The silence in the place is overwhelming. It feels as if everyone and their dog is listening in on what I have to say but I know if I whisper soft enough, only you will hear. Ready? Here goes:
1) I feel terribly inadequate to do the work I'm doing. Terribly. Every Sunday I wake with my stomach in knots. When I refer to myself in the third person - and in my head, that's pretty often - I refer to myself as "Joe, The Fraud."
2) I don't know how to grill. Yep, I said it. I have no idea how to grill meat, veggies, nada.
3) It is not uncommon for me to take two showers in a day. To all my green friends: I know it's incredibly wasteful but I hate, HATE, being dirty. This started back in junior high. And while I've cut back significantly, I have to fight the urge for an extra washing with every fiber of my being.
4) I'm skeptical of ministers who read "How to be Great Leaders in the Business World" kind of books. They usually have congregations that are growing rapidly. Is my skepticism valid or am I just jealous? Anyway, I'm confessing it.
5) When we get our Newsweek, I always jump to the end and read the Newsmakers section first. Newsmakers is all about pop-culture and has nothing to do with actual news. Sad, no?
6) Laura and I will sometimes sneak over to a mall in Queens. It feels a little like suburbia to us and every now and then we want that feel. If our other NYC friends knew this about us, we would be thrown out of the club. It's time I confessed it. Deal with me gently, my friendly fellow city dwellers.
7) I drive a mini-van. You already know this but I'm hoping that if I confess it enough, driving the darn thing won't be such a blow to my manliness.
8) I don't know the Bible backwards and forwards. I have the tools to help me find what it is you need to know but I'm horrible with on the spot Bible questions. After seven years of academic study and six years of professional work, you would think I would have a better handle but alas, it is not the case.
9) I skipped seventh period athletics several times during my freshman year. A friend and I would walk over to my house and play Nintendo.
10) I saw a mother today wheeling her grown daughter around the neighborhood. The grown daughter was obviously fraught with disability. I immediately loathed their situation and wanted nothing to do with that kind of future. I must, I MUST, get over this.
Thanks for listening.
-
1) I feel terribly inadequate to do the work I'm doing. Terribly. Every Sunday I wake with my stomach in knots. When I refer to myself in the third person - and in my head, that's pretty often - I refer to myself as "Joe, The Fraud."
2) I don't know how to grill. Yep, I said it. I have no idea how to grill meat, veggies, nada.
3) It is not uncommon for me to take two showers in a day. To all my green friends: I know it's incredibly wasteful but I hate, HATE, being dirty. This started back in junior high. And while I've cut back significantly, I have to fight the urge for an extra washing with every fiber of my being.
4) I'm skeptical of ministers who read "How to be Great Leaders in the Business World" kind of books. They usually have congregations that are growing rapidly. Is my skepticism valid or am I just jealous? Anyway, I'm confessing it.
5) When we get our Newsweek, I always jump to the end and read the Newsmakers section first. Newsmakers is all about pop-culture and has nothing to do with actual news. Sad, no?
6) Laura and I will sometimes sneak over to a mall in Queens. It feels a little like suburbia to us and every now and then we want that feel. If our other NYC friends knew this about us, we would be thrown out of the club. It's time I confessed it. Deal with me gently, my friendly fellow city dwellers.
7) I drive a mini-van. You already know this but I'm hoping that if I confess it enough, driving the darn thing won't be such a blow to my manliness.
8) I don't know the Bible backwards and forwards. I have the tools to help me find what it is you need to know but I'm horrible with on the spot Bible questions. After seven years of academic study and six years of professional work, you would think I would have a better handle but alas, it is not the case.
9) I skipped seventh period athletics several times during my freshman year. A friend and I would walk over to my house and play Nintendo.
10) I saw a mother today wheeling her grown daughter around the neighborhood. The grown daughter was obviously fraught with disability. I immediately loathed their situation and wanted nothing to do with that kind of future. I must, I MUST, get over this.
Thanks for listening.
-
posted by jch at
10:40 PM
25 Comments:
Like the first commenter, I'm floored, too. You're either BRAVE or CRAZY to confess personal stuff on the "World Wide Net Webs."
I'm gonna vote for BRAVE.
P.S. My husband swears by the book _Thrill of the Grill_. Oh, and when you smoke a brisket (which you WILL do if you ever move back to Texas), rub it down with cheap yellow mustard before you apply the dry rub.
Thanks Hil and mad4books but don't think of me as brave. I only revealed the light stuff that doesn't weigh too much. The deep, dark stuff I'm keeping to myself. No bravery here.
and God laughs..... if you knew the plans I have for you.
Joe you speak of things but truth be told your strengths far out way your weaknesses.
my turn..i've got a crush on a Cantor now how the hell is that going to work out.
Questions usually bring us to our knees – answers tend to swell our egos.
1) I would be skeptical of a pastor who feels completely adequate and confident in their role. Thank God for humility and humbleness.
2) I'm still learning the fine art myself. Come out to Warwick this Spring/Summer and we can grill a bit.
3) I doubt NYC is in danger of a water shortage.
4) Practical advice on leading large groups of people transcend profession, no?
5) yeah. A little sad.
6) If Queens feels like suburbia to you, than we have bigger problems.
7) Considering a minivan is most likely our next car too... I can't comment.
8) Just cause someone can rattle off book chapter and verse, doesn't mean they understand the heart of the message.
9) Super Mario Bros?
10) Stay strong. Your family is covered in prayer daily.
JCH-I appreciate this post. The number one thing you mentioned is the thing that I always came back to in my first unit of CPE last summer. My supervisor told me I had a "fraud complex," rather than a "God complex." Of course I knew this, but he thought he was pretty clever with that phrase. I'm with you on the Bible thing. I can find it if you give me ten minutes and access to a computer, but if we're talking LTC (Churches of Christs' excuse for not really celebrating Easter) I'm a lost cause. There are tons of children who know the books of the Bible better than me, but I could beat them up, so I think it all evens out in the end.
Bless you, Joe Hays. These kinds of confessional comments are why I appreciate your friendship. You are an open book...nowhere near a fraud, my friend.
And thanks Cara, for the reminder about how God regularly uses imperfect people as His vessels. I needed to read that myself!
You sound like a human bean, to me, Joe.
Do you know how thrilling it is to find out that other people doubt themselves? Now I don't feel so bad about my own self doubt.
I agree with Indie. So many people think they are the only one... Until they meet someone else who is going through it too.
NYC dwellers have been known to take the occasional field trip to the Short Hills Mall. You're still in the club.
About the deep, dark stuff: read (or listen to) the entry called "My House" on www.reallivepreacher.com. It is, like, open-mouth-gaping true.
peace -- Kate
Joe,
Many have said the same thing in different ways as I shall do. Where you are weak HE is strong. A man that believes in himself and the gifts God has given him more than God cannot be as effective as the man that knows he cannot do "this" alone. To some degree you will never understand this because you are genuine and that makes you a man of God. I heard this once and I truly believe it and please do not take this wrong. God will use a man that is willing that others do not believe can do the job. Then when it is done, the man knows it was not himself but God and gives God the glory. Just remember God can use any man that has the desire in his heart to follow him... I love you bro and we are praying for you! Keep up the fight and press on to what God has for you!
1) I think that anyone who does a job that has the potential to change people's lives feels inadequate to do so much of the time. When you stop seeing the profound importance of you work, that's when you're in trouble.
4) I feel the same way about social workers who approach it from a business model. Human beings are not so simple as all of that.
6) I heart malls. Don't worry. You're not alone.
7) I'm glad you're now able to admit that it's a mini-van. It's the first step toward acceptance.
9) I used to skip class to go to Wal-Mart. And on occasion, Whataburger.
man, i wish we lived in close enough proximity to share prayer and coffee on a regular basis. some thoughts and confessions of my own
1) ditto to your number one. i feel everything that you're describing. this is a regular theme in my blog posts.
2) i can grill. but i don't follow sports. and i feel like less of a man as a result. i just can't make myself care about it.
3) i will occasionally go to work without a shower. i never did this until i started working at an independent bookstore.
4) ditto to 4 as well. to all of it. i hate the way the church defines success by worldly standards, but i'm not sure that some part of that isn't because i don't have a "successful" church and hate feeling inadequate.
5) i don't read newsweek. or time. or us news or any paper. i read rolling stone and paste and magnet and the door. i'm not sure how i know what's going on in the world.
6) Rachel and I don't feel right about shopping at Walmart. But, in a pinch, we will. I never feel great about this.
7) I like driving a minivan. If I could have any vehicle, it would be a really nice minivan.
8) I wish I had gone to grad school and taken undergrad more seriously. I feel like there are members of my church who know the facts and figures of the Bible better than I do. Ditto for church history and other subjects. I hate having to admit this to them when they reference something I don't know.
9) I badgered high school teachers into requesting me as a teacher's aide during periods when I would usually have PE. I didn't take a PE class is all of high school. Ironically, most of this had to do with concerns about my weight.
10) I talk all the time about how raising a loving and caring kid is more important than raising a "good" and smart kid. But I find myself caring too much about Harry being "good" and smart.
Thanks for sharing. We should all do this a lot more often.
Thanks for being so honest...it is really refreshing. Why are we so afraid to state the truth about ourselves and would rather hide under some false pretense. Say it proud...YOU DRIVE A MINIVAN!
Doesn't make me like mine anymore though....
One of the things I love about you and this blog is that you keep it real. In that way, you encourage me, even through your "confessions". Thank you.
As an Orthodox, I can guarantee you that "I drive a minivan" isn't what we talk about in confession.
You know, the passages of The Sparrow that hit the hardest on my last re-read were the ones that described Emilio's faith and his longing for something of the experiential certainty he saw in others, but couldn't seem to attain himself. I get that. And what one sees as a reader, that is veiled from Emilio himself, is that his self-doubt is part of a faith that is as real as faith ever gets. It nearly made me weep to read it again. In sympathy (for this man who exists only in the imagination) and in sheer relief: if Emilio Sandoz thinks he's a fraud, then by God, maybe it ain't such a bad thing, and we frauds are in some pretty august company.
Joe, that is why I keep reading your blog...you are real.
Joe,
I thought I was done with Super Mario Bros -- after years of watching you and your friends (and my friends) play for hours, when I probably wanted to watch "Three's Company" or something. Now Isaac has it on the Wii and I get that infernal song stuck in my head. I have occasionally caught myself humming it while driving my minivan, on the way to the mall.
This morning Isaac and a friend were playing. The friend said, "Are those things supposed to be ghosts?" Isaac said, "They're under the water." I called from the kitchen, "I think they're jellyfish." Isaac said to his friend, "Remember, they didn't have very good graphics back then..."
Are we really old enough to have a "back then"? yikes.
I also want to comment on #10, but I hope that any comment or advice you get about Ira you will throw out if it isn't helpful or true.
Is there a part of you that can see that you'll have the grace to give Ira what he needs when the time comes? (You know, "I believe, help my unbelief.") Most of us can't imagine what you and Laura have already "been through" -- and I'm not sure the expression is appropriate. Ira is not something you are "going through" so much as he is your son and you love him.
I'm not sure that you "must" get over this, because you will get over it when you have to. Think about when Jesus said, "Take heart! I have overcome the world." We usually say "buck up" or "get over it." But Jesus acknowledges that some things will really suck. And yet he is still victorious in us and through us and promises to give us peace. Take heart when you feel heartless. We have all seen the victorious life in you and your family and we don't doubt that God will do it again and again and again.
I love you, and I hope I get to cheer you on at that bike race next month. Ryan's working on it.
I think that it is great that you are so brutally honest with yourself. Too many people suppress or deny these thoughts and feelings and don't evolve. And surely we can be better humans that we are? Right?
Blugs!!!!
(That's a blog-hug)
Good for you sharing this Joe! I haven't read a single response but I'm sure it's similar to what I have to say.
Not enough people (me included) take the time to step back and evaluate themselves. It's a tricky thing in life keeping the bar high for what you expect from yourself yet realistic and attainable. I think we should always strive to learn and improve on ourselves and I'm confident that you will someday learn to BBQ. ;-)
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