Emotions
I'm feeling a little emotional today. Is that okay for a guy to say? Probably not and I certainly wouldn't make that announcement in my gym locker room but I can't hold it in.
Maybe it's because they feed Ira more than Laura can produce and I see in her face the sadness that comes with the realization that at some point they will have to supplement her breast milk.
Maybe it's because I'm sick and tired of the commute to the hospital. And that I would do well not to ever have to walk into this place (I'm in Ira's room) again.
Maybe it's because Laura, Ira's nurse and I just worked our butts off trying to calm Ira down as he fought to breathe.
Maybe it's because he's been throwing up constantly since Friday and none of us have any idea why.
Maybe it's because I keep reflecting on a question that Mike Cope asked Laura: "What was it like to carry Ira in your womb?"
Maybe it's because I long for home and have been feeling quite nostalgic as of late.
Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Whatever it is, I hope my fellow commuters on the A train will excuse me if I burst into tears on my way home tonight.
Maybe it's because they feed Ira more than Laura can produce and I see in her face the sadness that comes with the realization that at some point they will have to supplement her breast milk.
Maybe it's because I'm sick and tired of the commute to the hospital. And that I would do well not to ever have to walk into this place (I'm in Ira's room) again.
Maybe it's because Laura, Ira's nurse and I just worked our butts off trying to calm Ira down as he fought to breathe.
Maybe it's because he's been throwing up constantly since Friday and none of us have any idea why.
Maybe it's because I keep reflecting on a question that Mike Cope asked Laura: "What was it like to carry Ira in your womb?"
Maybe it's because I long for home and have been feeling quite nostalgic as of late.
Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Whatever it is, I hope my fellow commuters on the A train will excuse me if I burst into tears on my way home tonight.
posted by jch at
2:55 PM
12 Comments:
Joe,
I think we all feel that way every once in a while - like we are just going to burst. Or if anyone asks us any sort of question (it doesn't matter how dumb or small of a question), the tears start to well up.
I was in a Bible study last Tuesday and it was our first meeting so we were going around the circle introducing ourselves to each other and when we got to one of the gals, all she said was, "My name is...." and her eyes filled with tears and she said, "I'm so sorry. I'm just feeling really raw right now."
Joe, I'm sure you're pretty raw right now and have so many heavy things on your heart. So I say, go ahead and cry on that train ride home - I'm sure there are many other folks who will want to cry right along side of you because of the heaviness of their hearts as well.
Hang in there,
Kari
Lord, let Joe FEEL your presence today. Amen.
Last Wednesday night, a couple days before Ira's first throwing up day, I cried all the way back to your apartment on the A train. I found my fellow passengers to be (a) respectful of my private space, or (b) a little freaked out. Depends on how you interpreted those looks on their faces.
Either way, how could they know that I was also crying for them, for all the pain and sorrow of all the children and all the parents the whole world over... all of it condensed, as it is, in the experience of knowing and loving and caring for Ira, this one baby, this one child of this one mother and one father, this little one who I still somehow believe is known by his Maker and held in the Maker's hands. I don't know why I still believe this, but I do. I cry partly because I do still believe it, can't shake it, can't imagine life without believing it. "Lord, to whom would we go?" Peter asked. It's barely faith, but it is. That makes me cry, because I feel like I used to have more.
Or maybe this is "more" in the weird mathematics of faith -- when it's harder to believe it, and still we do, that's more, right? All the math is weird in the kingdom of God. Last, first; first, last...
Cry it out. Cry out.
peace -- Katie
I love you guys so much.
I am so sorry that you and Laura are still going through this. My short week in the NICU does not compare to your pain. I try to picture us still doing it like you EVERYDAY, and I know how strong you have to be to survive. And whether you feel it or not, you and Laura are surviving, and that is all you have to do right now. Know that we are still reading and still praying for Ira.
May God give you his peace and a glimpse of hope today.
Joe and Laura,
I don't even know you, only your relatives (Johnna Goen and Jon Heintz). But I seem to find myself telling everyone about this couple and this precious baby that is so close to my heart! I check the blog multiple times daily, just to get another glimpse into your life and to just pray...Tears come to my eyes even now, just thinking of the pain and stress you might be feeling these hours and days and months at NICU...I wish there were more powerful words than "I am praying for you", but none come to my small mind. Please know that I am on my knees for your family and for precious baby Ira. I've just found this song in my head lately when thinking of you all...be so blessed this week somehow. I love ya'll!
oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
oh, great God, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great God, be close enough to feel you now
all praise and all honor be
to the God of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"
and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great God, be small enough to hear me now
Thanks for your honest feelings. We can only hold our breath and fight so many fires before all the emotion we have kept inside finally has to come out, God made tears for that very reason. Cry knowing that you will be renewed by God atleast ten-fold for every tear that has fallen.
This part is a little more than some people might want to know...but...I am a mother of 3, 2 were twins, while I was nursing I took an herb called fenegreek which can be found in any health food store, it was recommended to me by a lactation consultant. I was able to feed both twins and have enough to fill an 8oz bottle with at each feeding. It might be a great way for your wife to increase her supply, and I am sure she is using a hospital grade pump, but if she isn't then that will help too. God bless ya'll, may you find renewed strength and may you be given peace and rest.
We've never met, but my in-laws (Howard & Mary Shanks) were good friend with your parents. I think maybe maybe my father in law was roommates with your dad. Ever since I've known their family, I've heard about Jo & Glo Hays. I stumbled across this blog back in July and have been checking it often since then. I will keep your little boy in my prayers along with the rest of you. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but we know that God is here.
Joe and Katie, your words hit me in the gut. You are right Katie. It is about baby Ira and Joe and Laura and little Sophia but it is also about all the suffering happening in all the families. I also think you are right about the math. We talked about math in our class at church on Sunday morning and someone said that our knowing the right thing to do is like 2+2=4...I responded that there are mathmaticians that could prove to you that 2+2 could equal something else and that I think that is how God is and so then so is faith. There could be millions of right ways. God didn't make it easy. I do think I used to feel I was closer to having it all figured out...the more I live my life, the less I know.
Joe - I can't begin to understand what you all are going through, but I can cry with you. And I'll continue pleading with God to heal Ira's body and the heartache that permeates your life right now.
May God hold your heart in His hands and kiss every tear that falls.
Here's a link to a good list of galactogogues (to increase milk supply)with info. about each:
http://www.kellymom.com/herbal/milksupply/herbal-rem_a.html
Here's a link to the human milk banking association - there are mothers' milk banks across the country and you can get donated breast milk with a doctor's prescription. I don't know what the requirements are, if they'd say Ira didn't qualify, who knows. But might be something you want to check out.
http://www.hmbana.org/
Also, do you have any friends/relatives who are nursing who might be willing to provide some milk for Ira? I don't know how the hospital might feel about that.
My one-year old is beginning to wean himself - earlier than I had planned - and I know the sadness that comes with that. But remember that every drop of milk Laura has provided for Ira so far has been liquid gold and has helped him out so much. She could've thrown in the towel from the beginning but she didn't! Yea for Laura!
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