trapped
Have you ever felt trapped? Like there's no way out? I know these are intimate questions I'm asking and that you're probably not going to respond with a resounding testimony in the comments section so I'm going to assume that many of you at some point have felt trapped.
I feel like I could say a lot about this subject but it's too near, too close, too fresh. And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight...
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I feel like I could say a lot about this subject but it's too near, too close, too fresh. And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight...
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posted by jch at
2:00 PM
9 Comments:
Oh, Joe, I'd give anything in the world if I had the wisdom to respond to what you've just posted in a way that would give you some comfort/peace/hope....???? You and Laura and Sophia and Ira have been on my mind all morning. Probably because we visted last night and I know that you took Ira to a feeding specialist yesterday who said Ira was not even far enough along in his "oral" growth to evaluate how/when/where/what his "eating" problem will begin to be solved. I've wondered this morning about how Ira gets to the point when he can even be evaluated if there are no ideas on how to get him to that point.
Now, Joe, I know I'm putting something on YOUR blog that you might not want everyone to know about. Hope you don't mind. And I'm guessing that this news about Ira's inability to eat has to do with your "trapped" feelings. First of all, beware of "trapped" feelings, because the natural instinct for those feelings includes "Fight or flight." And sometimes "fight" is not an alternative....so we tend to run away. Running away can take a lot of different forms....suicide, skipping town, divorce, continuing to live in the world but emotionally distancing ourselves from the "trapped" environment.
Sometimes I would tell myself or someone else who feels trapped to RECREATE....which means get into some kind of recreation. Course, I know you've been doing basketball. And I know that playing that game really gets your mind off "trapped" circumstances for a short period of time. So keep up the recreation that is needed to "stay in the game."
I know you and Laura are tired physically, emotionally, and sometimes spiritually. How can those of us family members who seem to know more about your day-to-day activities help? Are there any ways your friends in "blog-land" can help?
Joe, you've got the most precious family in the whole, wide world. Thank God for that! And know how much God and I love you.
Mom
I know what trapped feels like--not in the way sweet Glo has described is maybe what you're feeling--but I have felt trapped.
I have to be honest, I haven't figured out the answers either. With my particular situation, it's a matter of deciding whether what I think I want as a solution is my "flight" or really what God wants for me. I've been so conflicted in this territory, and I can't see an end in sight yet.
I guess this isn't very encouraging, but the only testimony I can offer is that I know the feeling. For me, I have to just keep talking to God. . .keep sitting still and trying to listen. . .keep practicing disciplines of faith until my heart falls back into line with what my mind knows is right. (Lauren Winner's writings have been of great encouragement to me in this area)
I have to trust that God is faithful, and that I am just too small to see or understand for now. Holding onto that is the main thing that gets me through the day-to-day until His answers come clear for me.
Joe, I pray everyday for your family. Ira's everyday needs stay close to my heart. I love you guys.
Yes.
And survived.
You will, too.
There are times when my son's health issues and what the horizon looks like while on this earth can be quite overwhelming. Is his brain tumor growing? Will he live a full life? What is it that I am to do with those and the other questions that come up? If I focus on them I feel so trapped that I might even have to remind myself to breathe, instead I just close my eyes and focus on God. I find the grace and mercy in my situation, I look for it and choose to rise above my fear and earthly thoughts in the name of the Lord, for I could not do it on my own. I love the quote by Mother Teresa, I might have posted it here a long time ago. "Jesus can be very demanding, to give him a smile when He demands so much is very beautiful."
Because I don't know you or your situation with the exception of reading your blog I don't know if my words even apply to your situation. But I do know that for all of God's children we are not trapped for long because before we know it we will be delivered from this earth and straight into the arms of our Deliverer. One moment at a time until then. Many blessings of mercy to you and your family.
Ever felt trapped? Oh yes my friend. You are not alone in that vein.
Yeah. I'm feeling trapped because I *am* trapped. Without going into too many details, my husband and I are both unhappy with our marriage & wonder daily if we should just chuck it. (I worship alone, vacation alone, exercise alone...well, you get the picture.)
We are too different. Our families are too different. Our hopes and beliefs are too different. Our friends both think we should walk away...and maybe they're right.
And then I get my flu shot in the chemo center (my doctor is an oncologist) and see a three year-old in an umbrella stroller taking his chemo with a smile...and it reminds me of how small my own health problems seem.
I go to the cemetery last week with my daughter to get some rubbings for her English assignment and see more than one of my former seventh grade students' graves...and thank God that my daughter is still with me.
I read about the horrible living conditions of many of the world's women, and I thank God that I live in America where I was given a free education and suffrage and rights.
I read about those trapped in war and poverty...and can't believe I have *too much* to eat.
Maybe my "trapped" feeling is easier to bear because it's happening to me and not to a loved one. Most of us would *much rather struggle ourselves* than be forced to watch the people we adore carry burdens we would gladly lift from their shoulders!!
And btw, I have no idea who "dana m." is but you should listen to her every time her mouth opens or her fingers type. She liked _The Power of One_ AND reads Lauren Winner? :-)
Oh, you know your "On My To Read List" from your home page? We should be seeing _The Power of One_ on there soon, if you haven't read it already. It's a perfect read for those cold NY months...and it inspires.
A devoted reader in Texas,
Kristy
P.S. And if my love of books is part of the flight/escape response your mom mentioned, I'm kinda cool with that.
It helps me professionally (I'm a librarian)/keeps me from running to the divorce lawyer/helps me kick butt at Trivial Pursuit...and keeps me at home where I'm safe and needed by two Labrador retrievers who think I'm pretty indispensable...
Joe:
There are so many ways to feel trapped. As many people respond to you about being trapped, each will be a different scenario, so real and so damaging and it hurts like crazy...it is a different kind of fear. You feel like you are trapped in a paper bag with no light or air, with no end in sight. That trapped feeling is significant to each one who is experiencing it. Nothing trivial about it. For some it seems forever, for others at some point it ends, possibly when the situation they are in gets better, or something ends that should have ended a long time ago.
I feel trapped right now, like I have never been before, with the death of my son, John, and with people telling me how to grieve his death. They are well meaning and love me dearly, but they keep asking have I experienced this yet, or that and if I haven't, I should have. The truth is my husband and I haven't had an opportunity to grieve as we should as we have had so much legal business to clear up. We have our moments but not the deep grief that helps you get past it each day. The feeling trapped also comes from my thinking about that on January 3, 1962 the day of my son's birth, the Lord knew my son would die by his own hand on October 9, 2006. Trapped because it is so difficult to say that John III committed suicide. But I have to say it because that it is the truth of it. But, and this is a big "BUT" I do not feel as trapped as my son did to have to do what he did. Unbeknown to us, his last few months of life were horrible. He didn't let on much, just a couple of glimpses. He didn't share that with us because he didn't want us to worry. Trapped by his own goodness. There were so many things that led up to his death, and I am sure I will never know all of it, perhaps, I don't want to.
I do thank the Lord for the 44 years, nine months and three days that I had John as my loving son. I pray that his life and death will have meaning, and that his death was not for naught.
Your blog helped me, more than I am sure my thoughts will help you. This is the first time that I have really been able to voice my feelings. I have just kept them bottled up contributing to my trapped feeling.
Do not dismiss or discount your "trapped feelings" in your situation, I would say it is normal. How you handle/deal with it is another matter. Your voicing your feelings is a major step...keep it up. There are many out there who want to help you through all your anxieties. You are well loved.
The greatest comfort to me at this time is the great, great contentment in my heart and soul and very being that Jesus is with me and He will see me through, along with all the Christians that are holding me up at the Manhattan Church of Christ and the Westover Hills Church of Christ in Austin. What do "trapped" people do when they don't have the Lord and a Christian community to surround you in times of difficulty.
My son was a Christian and he still took his life. I know deep down inside that he couldn't see a way out, or he would not have done what he did and leave his three children behind whom he loved and adored and lived for everyday. Just no telling what the human mind and heart can take.
Thank you for letting me tell my trapped story.
If this is too much to put on your blog, I completely understand.
I check your blog every day and wait for news of you and your family.
Grace and peace to each of you.
God is with you, let us both give our trapped feelings to Him, our hope and sustainer.
Love in Christ,
Saundra Tesseyman
P.S. Incidently, our son died on the 40Th anniversary of my husband and I being baptized into the Lord and His Body. I don't know quite what to make of that. Perhaps, nothing at all.
Oh, Saundra, I'm so sorry you're hurting. My prayer tonight and for many nights to come will be that our faithful, loving God will envelope you with peace alongside beautiful memories of your precious son, John.
Love,
Glo
I do know the feeling, because I'm there right now. I have a seven year old son with autism and it seems like I have to fight for everything he gets. Or beg for it. I worry constantly that this will be the year he'll lose Medicaid and we won't be able to afford his therapy. It is criminal what we do to kids with special needs in this country.
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