Why is it that people assume that I am far from God when I question God? Why is it that when I say, “God is not my friend,” I am asked to reevaluate my friendships here on earth and my relationship with God. Why is it that when Laura cries out to God in anger she is sent letters from friends and family prompting her to “hold on” and “persevere”? Why is it that you must ask of us in fear and trepidation “how are you doing spiritually?”
The truth is that in the midst of all the questions, anger, frustration, and confusion; in the midst of not wanting to sing praise songs in church or praying or partaking of the communion; in the midst of bitterness, loneliness and sadness I have never felt closer to God than I do now.
The closeness I feel with God can’t outwardly be seen in ways that we normally associate with someone who is “on fire” with God. I don’t wake in the morning and open the Bible nor do I go to sleep with Psalms running through my head. My prayers are short, consisting of mostly the same two or three phrases, “God help Ira. Thank you for my family and for those helping us. Amen.” So I don’t sit for hours praying and meditating. I don’t listen to Christian bands or praise music on my iPod as I commute nor am I reading anything of theological substance. So there is no way that you could tell from my actions that I feel close to God.
But deep down inside I feel God stirring like never before. This doesn’t mean that everything is a-okay. This doesn’t mean that everything comes up roses. This doesn’t mean that I’m letting God off the hook because as Ricky Racardo would say, “you got some ‘splain’ to do!”
This stirring, this intense presence of God in my life is allowing me to know God in ways I’ve never known him before. So I ask that you lay off the “how are you doing spiritually?” kind of questions because it leads me/us to believe that you think we are going to hell. I’m pretty sure that God is not fearful of our questions or struggles but invites them because he longs to show us more of himself.
The truth is that in the midst of all the questions, anger, frustration, and confusion; in the midst of not wanting to sing praise songs in church or praying or partaking of the communion; in the midst of bitterness, loneliness and sadness I have never felt closer to God than I do now.
The closeness I feel with God can’t outwardly be seen in ways that we normally associate with someone who is “on fire” with God. I don’t wake in the morning and open the Bible nor do I go to sleep with Psalms running through my head. My prayers are short, consisting of mostly the same two or three phrases, “God help Ira. Thank you for my family and for those helping us. Amen.” So I don’t sit for hours praying and meditating. I don’t listen to Christian bands or praise music on my iPod as I commute nor am I reading anything of theological substance. So there is no way that you could tell from my actions that I feel close to God.
But deep down inside I feel God stirring like never before. This doesn’t mean that everything is a-okay. This doesn’t mean that everything comes up roses. This doesn’t mean that I’m letting God off the hook because as Ricky Racardo would say, “you got some ‘splain’ to do!”
This stirring, this intense presence of God in my life is allowing me to know God in ways I’ve never known him before. So I ask that you lay off the “how are you doing spiritually?” kind of questions because it leads me/us to believe that you think we are going to hell. I’m pretty sure that God is not fearful of our questions or struggles but invites them because he longs to show us more of himself.
posted by jch at
12:46 PM
18 Comments:
AMEN.
Joe and Laura,
Although I have yet to leave a post, I wanted you to know that Brett and I check your blog daily and pray for Ira even more than that.
I have been through my share (as we all have) of struggles and heartaches over the last couple of years. I have sat in the NICU with both of my boys and lost a baby to miscarriage between them. There was a time in the middle of it all that I began to question God and His sovereignity. I was ashamed of my questions and my emotions towards Him. So instead of talking to Him about it, I sat in silence. I admire you both for being "real" with God about your feelings. You are exactly right, God is not fearful of our questions, but longs for us to ask them so He can show Himself to us. A wise friend once told me not to hide my emotions from God, He is certainly big enough to handle them!
God bless you both,
Jenny (Bacon) Perkins
Joe,
You don't know me, but I ran across your blog by way of Byron Bundy's blog right after Ira was born. I know all about the rollercoaster life of dealing with a CDH baby in ICU. Someday if your ever in central Texas we can exchange stories and ski behind Bundy's boat (if it's working at the time!)
Your honesty and openess throughout your experiences with Ira have been truly inspirational. Your faith in God has been obvious and BOLD! Can you even imagine what families of no faith (or church family) must feel like in the same situation?
We laugh with you and cry with you and pray for your family daily.
Ira has changed your life. Christ has given you the strength to grasp it.
In Him,
Lane Smith
The beauty of a blog is that when you write open and honest feelings you open yourself up to comments. So I guess you need to be more careful in what you write or learn to accept comments back from friends and family--the ones that totally agree with you and those that have a different view. It is also not fair to judge the comments of those who love you.
Joe - In my opinion, doubts and questions of God are GOOD. It shows that you're not stagnant in your faith. I love, love, LOVE how Jesus meets us where we are. All the apostles but Thomas SAW the resurrected Christ and believed. Thomas said he would only believe if he could TOUCH Jesus' wounds. So Jesus accommodated him! How awesome is that? Thomas said 'I'm not so sure about you...I need more than just seeing the wounds...' and Jesus said, 'Fine, Thomas, if you need more 'proof', here it is.' I love that. He meets us where we are. Some of us need "more" and he accepts that.
P. S. And an unfortunate byproduct of a blog is that people can make condescending remarks anonymously.
I understand what you are saying, anonymous. By agreeing to have comments opens things up and allows just about anything said. And I certainly don't mean to judge the comments of others but you have to trust me that some have been very clear about our journey and where they think we are heading with all this questioning, etc. So the point of my post was exactly the point you make, please don't judge me/us.
Son,
I agree that when you put your feelings and thoughts in spoken or written word, you open yourself up to all kinds of critizism. I had a long talk with a woman about 54 years old the other day, and she has lost two husbands. One was in a car wreck and the other husband died of cancer. She told me had tried to will herself to die after both husbands died, but that did not happen. Now she questions why she is still here. I made a very stupid remark and she turned to me and said then you take my place, and see if you have any answers. I was taken back by her remark, but then I realized that I had no business making statments to her, because I have not experenced the hurt that she was experiencing. We can never understand how we would react to your situation, or any other, unless we have been there. I am not worried about yours or Laura'a relationship with God. Whatever it is now, God understands. The only thing I can say is "hang in there." I have the same thoughts and feelings as you have expressed, because you are my son and that is my grandson lieing there in the hospital. Thank you and Laura so very much for taking care of him. I love both of you so very much. It sure would be nice to have you in Takoka this weekend, but you are were you need to be. I miss you so much.
Love
Dad
Joe,
thank you for your words and your honesty. Let me join the chorus in proclaiming that the whole friendship with God thing is troubling. I have had times when I have felt quite friendly with the Lord, only to discover that it was actually only a self-projection of the Lord, meant to fulfill my own hopes...
I love the picture of Jesus crafted by CS Lewis in the Chronicles. Aslan is a fierce lion; the children never cease fearing him. Aslan displays beautiful tenderness, then withdraws, leading the children on to places they may not ever choose.
Thank you again for your words.
Joe and Laura -
Jake and Abbie will be or should already be there with you and will be bringing lots of hugs, kisses, and prayers from all of your Fortress family to you. We all miss you and wish that we could be there with you as they are - to comfort and help you during this time. God bless your time together this week. Love, Kaki
Joe Clyde,
What a wonderful man you have grown to be! You and your family hold a special place in my heart. Is still can't accept that you kids are parents of your own. My memories of you are when we lived in Tahoka....24 years ago!!! We have three kids with the oldest going to be a freshman in high school. I keep trying to convince myself that only THEY are getting older!
Is Ira's middle name Miles? Because if it is, Top always said that Ira Miles meant "watchful soldier". Now whether that is true or not I don't know.
May God bless you and your family and a special pray goes to Ira from my family.
God Bless,
Ron (Ronnie)Clary
P.S. I'm so glad you did not turn out to look like you father! It proves that God does answer prayers!!!
Joe,
Thank you for your honesty. So many who claim to have the answers haven't walked in your shoes. Unfortunately, most of us were brought up to wear a false face and show our faith by our stoic behavior through the crisis of life. How wrong this is and how painful it is to try and hide and keep those feelings of anger at God inside. You and Laura have been through alot and you are still in a very stressful situation which changed your life forever. I, too, have walked your walk 22 years ago with the birth of Caroline. Well meaning individuals can say the wrong thing or say nothing at all. Both hurt. You and Ira are constantly in my prayers. God understands your anger and frustration.
Elaine Schwenker
You are in pretty good company with Job and his "friends" who tried to "comfort" him. Their comments were pretty harse and critical. And in the end, who did God commend as being right in what was said about Him?
Joe,
I've been meaning to comment since reading your God/friendship post but have not gotten around to it until now (my better half kept finding chores for me to do this holiday weekend). I appreciated your thoughts on this relationship with God stuff being a serious matter, and the whole "...what a friend we have in Jesus..." types of worship songs not really capturing all of the facets of our relationship with God.
I also appreciate your honesty in sharing your "questioning" of God, and your anger/sadness. It has, at times, been uncomfortable to read, because I don't always want to deal with those types of questions, and as Christians, we are not always "socialized" to handle others' pain. As Elaine pointed out in her comment, people are brought up think they're not supposed to show their emotions during their suffering and to just deal with it without complaint. I know that when I've gone through difficult times in the past, my fellow Christians were probably among the last people I would turn to, for fear of receiving the customary "Biblical" response or for fear of being judged for my thoughts/feelings (not to say that the customary Biblical response is not well-intentioned and given out of love, in some cases, but it often doesn't seem like enough).
I think it's true that when you open yourself up to people in something so accessible as a blog, you also leave yourself vulnerable to all sorts of comments from people, so I think it's a brave thing to to continue to post as you have. I think that, because of this openness, you will be in a unique position, as a minister, to serve others who may experience similar pain in the future. I can totally identify with your statement of feeling closer to God than you ever have during this time, because it's only when our worldview is challenged, when we suffer, that we can understand how much we need God.
Regina
I don't think this is on the level of what you're sharing, but it did make me think of an image that has always comforted me, a chronic doubter. Beuchner says that doubts are the ants in the pants of faith. I'm glad that you are experiencing the presence of God in the midst of your trials.
Joe & Laura-
I appreciate more than you know your honesty and openness regarding questioning God. It's helpful for me to know that others struggle with these things. I've been doing a lot of questioning of my own recently, although not about the same things. These last couple of weeks I've even questioned God's existence. I've asked Him to prove to me that He is there because I'm sick of the crap that He allows His children to go through. Does He even care??? I know He does...I just don't "get" Him. The only thing I've been able to figure out is that if everything were peachy all the time, our faith would remain stagnant. If I'm going to believe in God, I want to be passionate about it and if I'm always asking questions, maybe He'll reveal Himself to me in ways that will allow my faith to increase. I don't know. I've been a Christian for so many years...when do you get old and wise enough to figure everything out?? - Erin L.
Joe,
I always appreciate your honesty - and I'm still interested in what you have to say about prayer.
You and Laura are highly empathic which is one of the qualities that make you good missionaries. Unfortunately, not everyone has the ability to see outside of their own situation and people who can't are naturally going to be more critical of anyone else. Keep this in mind - some can, some can't. Listen to the ones who can and ignore the rest.
You don't know me, nor I you. A friend forwarded your blog to me when I asked her for something to read to help me as I am going through some very sad days now. I won't go into these problems; but I did read several posts and comments and I believe that God is using your pain to His glory. What a hard concept to grasp - (and I can't fully). It sounds selfish actually. I would like to share what helps me - regardless of what pain I'm going through: "God is GOOD; God hurts along with me; God loves my child EVEN more than I do; and never leaves me even when I don't feel His presence."
I have found that I can't assimilate a lot of advice when I am in pain and that the Psalms (some of them) can soothe my soul. Old hymns that I didn't even like come back to my remembrance - like yesterday when I awoke to a song I hadn't thought of in 30 years: "I Need Thee Every Hour" I think the unpopular emotion of melancholy can be very useful in drawing us to the Lord. A verse I read on a card went like this, "Sometimes the only prayer we can manage is 'God help me to understand'...and it is at times like that when others are lifting their voices for us". Thank God for brothers and sisters who do that.
Donna from Grapevine
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