The Ethicist
My favorite feature of the New York Times Magazine is a weekly feature called The Ethicist. Each week people send in their moral quandaries and ask The Ethicist (Randy Cohen) what the ethical answer is. Before I read what Cohen has to say about the dilemma, I attempt to work out in my mind what I believe is the right thing to do. It's a fun little game.
I've got a moral quandary that's kind of silly but I would like your opinion on the matter. You get to play the role of The Ethicist. Ready?
Sophia doesn't lie. She's still naive to the possibilities of manipulating truths for her benefit. It's a beautiful state she's currently in and I often think of Jesus's profound beatitude "Blessed are the pure in heart" when I think of Sophia and her peers. But this Christmas, Laura and I taught Sophia to lie.
The first came when Sophia opened a Christmas gift that she didn't want. Her disappointment was apparent as she slammed the gift down and stomped off. The gift giver (a friend of the family) laughed a nervous laugh but her disappointment was apparent as well. Laura and I smiled as if to say, "Sorry." After the gift giver left, Laura and I sat Sophia down and taught her the polite thing to do. "Say thank you even if you don't like the gift," we told her. Sophia was confused and started crying. We tried to make sense of it but the words never felt right. There were subsequent lessons of the same vain to follow but Sophia's a quick learner. By the time Christmas day rolled around, Sophia was saying "thank you" before she even opened gifts.
The question is, Did we do the right thing? We, in essence, told Sophia not to show or express her truest feelings but instead, show and express a feeling that is forced and not really felt. Did we teach her to lie?
I leave it up to you my ethical friends.
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I've got a moral quandary that's kind of silly but I would like your opinion on the matter. You get to play the role of The Ethicist. Ready?
Sophia doesn't lie. She's still naive to the possibilities of manipulating truths for her benefit. It's a beautiful state she's currently in and I often think of Jesus's profound beatitude "Blessed are the pure in heart" when I think of Sophia and her peers. But this Christmas, Laura and I taught Sophia to lie.
The first came when Sophia opened a Christmas gift that she didn't want. Her disappointment was apparent as she slammed the gift down and stomped off. The gift giver (a friend of the family) laughed a nervous laugh but her disappointment was apparent as well. Laura and I smiled as if to say, "Sorry." After the gift giver left, Laura and I sat Sophia down and taught her the polite thing to do. "Say thank you even if you don't like the gift," we told her. Sophia was confused and started crying. We tried to make sense of it but the words never felt right. There were subsequent lessons of the same vain to follow but Sophia's a quick learner. By the time Christmas day rolled around, Sophia was saying "thank you" before she even opened gifts.
The question is, Did we do the right thing? We, in essence, told Sophia not to show or express her truest feelings but instead, show and express a feeling that is forced and not really felt. Did we teach her to lie?
I leave it up to you my ethical friends.
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posted by jch at
9:55 AM
11 Comments:
But saying "thank you" for a gift I don't want is not a lie when I say it, because I have learned to be grateful for the gift-giver's intention, for God's generosity embodied in the gift, for the abundance in my life that makes it possible to turn up my nose at some gifts... I don't say "I love it!" or "I've always wanted one!" but I do say "thank you," and I mean it.
So that's what I've taught my children to do, too. To smile the best they can and say "thank you" when they can't say anything else. Not because I want them to lie to salve the feelings of the giver, but because gratitude is such a fundamental Christian disposition and because learning to express it is a deep truth that little children have to learn, and practice even before they really feel it.
Howzat? Randy Cohen would be proud, especially if I could make some snide comments about truly tacky gifts I received just this year... but I'll refrain in the name of higher ethics than his.
By the way, my boy just turned six and at his birthday party you could SEE the gears turning, smoke coming out of his ears, as he calmly said "thank you" to each of his friends for gifts that were NOT what he wanted. We were so proud.
peace -- Kate
I think gratefulness for the intention of a gift is a good thing for anybody to learn, not just children. I know with kids Sophia's age it's hard to teach intention because their world is so concrete, but I think it's good you started this lesson with her.
I've faced this dilemma with kids on the subject of forgiveness. Our socially accepted pattern is to make kids apologize for grievances with each other to obtain closure at the end of bad behavior. I don't do that with kids in my circles of influence. I encourage them to apologize because they should feel sorry for what they've done and want to make amends with their peers, but I don't make them do it because I'm not willing to teach them to lie about that emotion and become adults who say sorry with no meaning behind it.
I think other emotions fall under the same "rules" for me. I'd like to teach children to be grateful and polite because I don't want them to be rude, but I don't know that those lessons always come across the way I'd like them to. I guess the important thing is to teach them what they are saying thank you for: thanks for giving me a gift at all vs. thanks for this specific gift that I love.
My experience is that this lesson is a work in progress with young children. You have to start somewhere, even if they don't get the heart of it the first time around.
Wow. I was gonna answer, but I don't have to, 'cause Katie spoke for me. It was the exact same opinion I was gonna give you. She must be really cool. bwahaha.
I don't think you guys taught Sophia to lie. The world will do that in due time and she will feel both the cost and pain that lies can bring. I believe you tried to teach her to be discerning in expressing her feelings.
Living a fully truthful life is a tall order, and I am not sure that the manners of our society would permit us to live fully truthful lives with each other. The best people to be fully truthful with is ourselves, and even that is really hard to do.
I think it shows good discernment to look at a gift and appreciate the sentiment rather than the actual gift. Yet, I wonder if the giver is more satisfied with their intentions being appreciated or the actual thing they gave being appreciated?
bryan has a great point and I think most have pointed out that saying "thank you" can be "thank you for going to the trouble" or "thank you for thinking of me". It ISN'T saying, "This is precisely what I wanted!"
I haven't shared this with my children, but one week on 2 different occasions, I read about Rahab saying that the spies were already gone when they were actually on her roof and also the account of the Egyptian midwives who were sent to kill Israelite babies. They lied and said that by the time they got there, the babies were already alive and healthy. In both of those instances it says, "and God looked on them with favor." Obviously, lives are not at stake when you decide how to acknowledge a gift, but feelings are!
Without reading what others have to say... here are my thoughts:
Saying "thank you" is not lying. It's courtesy. It is still acceptable to be courteous. It is being respectful, kind, and polite. It's being considerate of other's feelings. And it's learning to appreciate both gift and giver. You didn't make her say "I love it." THAT would be teaching her to lie.
I knew a woman whose family practiced brutal honesty. "Brutal" accurately describes this kind of honesty. They opened a gift and if they didn't like it, they said so, and not kindly. Who wants to give a gift to someone like that? No one. They grow up to be spoiled, selfish, 30 year-old brats.
You aren't alone. All parents go through this with their children at some point. Children learn to deal with life's little disappoinments in these moments. Receiving a gift isn't all about the receiver. It's also about the giver.
OK, I posted and now I'm reading. Such similar thoughts. We can't ALL be wrong! Katie has the gift for saying it all so well.
I am 100% in agreement with dana on forcing "thank you's" and "I'm sorry's" and "I forgive you's".
Show them by example, say "thank you" for them and let it drop, move on, don't dwell on it. Talk with them in advance when possible, but never force them to say a "thank you" or an "I'm sorry". (I'm sorry's and forgiveness must come from the heart, and consequences come into play for these.)
Forcing is a recipe for disaster. Makes me wish I had never offered a cookie to a shy toddler whose parents spanked her for not saying "thank you." A toddler, for crying out loud! Seeing her enjoy the cookie would have been thanks enough.
So, did I do it correctly, Joe? I read the dilemma, formed my own opinion/solution, then read the B&BB (Brooklyn & Beyond Blog) answers.
Agreed - being courteous is not lying. Another lesson in there might be - sometimes the gift is a really good gift we don't see the benefit of right now, thus, we say thanks even if it's not exactly what we wanted.
I haven't read the comments yet...sorry if I'm just reiterating someone else's thoughts...but after reading your words, I disagree that you "taught Sophia to lie." There is nothing wrong with teaching a child to be grateful for someone's thoughtful gesture. Think about all the gifts (material or otherwise) you've received over the years. I've gotten some pretty goofy stuff on occasion. But I still appreciate the thoughtfulness of the giver. People give gifts to express love, and THAT is for what we should be thankful. Teaching Sophia to be appreciative of the giftgiver's expression of love is not teaching her to lie. It is showing her how to have a grateful heart towards those who wish to bless her, no matter what's in the box.
Appreciating the thoughtful gesture of an adult's gift giving is probably a little complex for most 3 year olds--although not a bad concept to begin teaching.
In our house of 4 kids (aged 2-10) we basically have 2 major rules that seem to encompass 95% almost each and every situation.
Rule #1-Obey mommy/daddy
Rule # 2-Have a good attitude
Your situation seems to fall pretty easily under the attitude rule (slamming the gift down and stomping out of the room). Instead of focusing on the little picture, I'd say step back and address the attitude of the heart. That's a lesson worth learning young. I know of adults who can say a polite "thank you" but haven't outgrown a slamming/stomping attitude yet.
On another note, my boys love seeing Ira grow stonger and happier as the days, weeks, months go by. He is constantly in our prayers, and your family has been a blessing to us.
The Winters
God instructs us to "teach the truth withing the boundaries of love." For me to share my gratitude, true gratitude, towards somebody who has given me a gift, is to share the truth in love. For me to express dissappointment in the gift itself, there is no benefit to be gained by either of us, only hurt, and therefore I have not expressed the truth withing the boundary of love.
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